It’s weird to be in the place, of recognizing that you are just a spec of reality. It takes a lot of effort to realize something, which appears to have the option of being either minute in significance or actually much more. Like when you have a brain injury for instance, and realize that it’s taken various forms of time for humanity to exist. 1. You experience what humans can and cannot do, and that may cause a comparison towards what you take in as what you can and cannot do, and then there becomes a difference between your own humanity and others humanity. It’s like “oh, I realize that I’m becoming human all over again.”
There seems to be a difference for me in being human 2. Essentially, recovering from brain injury can feel like existing in a state before there ever were humans, (as a human). Learning how to use legs that don’t function as one would like, feels as though one doesn’t have legs, and/or limbs; things dragging through space only without a purpose. Yet to learn how to use them is to recognize that one indeed has them. For one to feel like they do not have legs, or appendages at all, is to feel like a pre-human and/or post-human creature. Like there are these forms: not existing, existing, existing beyond existing, and not existing after existing at all, AK.A dying.
So Brain Injury is like being alive, then experiencing being alive, only to experience not feeling alive, and finally experiencing how to experience all that all over and over again.
What we essentially have within our own awareness, is a version of Doc Brown’s Delorean to go “back in time” to where the human brain grew; becoming able to do things, and also forward in time to where we are able to use the brain on itself for it’s own repair. We do this while staying where we are in time, experiencing going back and forth across it, and staying at one place in time simultaneously.
So, essentially you invent a new human in your recovery. That probably makes you feel weird. Get it? (maybe not.) It’s like putting a Dvd in a Dvd player, both of which you bought with money from a place you work at, which was given money from somewhere else, which existed on a piece of land before money, jobs, Dvd’s and Dvd players were invented. You’re watching yourself do all of that before watching anything existed, and then replaying the story.
It’s goofy, funny, emotionally draining etcetera to feel like a non-human human sometimes. The result is the feeling of a script that’s already been written and filled with lines like this: “So, who do we blame for the problem we don’t want?” Answer: “The guy with the brain injury. People like him can’t fix the trouble they cause, because they cannot solve problems.”
And the character almost dying…plus hospitals, seizures, medications, therapy and the combination of all this, is in the script somewhere.
1 There are many representations of what is considered time; like a clock, physical effort, emotions, art, travel, etcetera.
2 Across time there have been several eras of existence: pre-human ( no humans ), present human (humans now), future human (humans to come), post-human ( no humans again).